Building a relationship
This chapter builds on the introduction, where we covered what tulpamancy is and what it isn’t. Now we get into the practice itself.
In this chapter, we’ll cover:
- how to approach choosing a character
- how to interact with them
- how to engage with them genuinely
- what to expect as the relationship develops
Choosing a character
Before you start interacting, you need a character to interact with. Generally, there are a few options:
- A completely original creation – You decide their personality, appearance, and mannerisms – either by planning out specific details or by starting with a rough idea that develops through interaction.
- A fictional character from media – You choose a character from a book, game, show, or any other medium as a starting point. This is common and perfectly fine. With this option, you already have existing material to work with – you know their personality, speech patterns, and motivations. This can make early interactions much easier.
- Something in between – You can take inspiration from existing characters to varying degrees:
- You might simply use a name from one of your favorites.
- You might copy an existing character’s appearance, either exactly or with some modifications.
In my case, I took my name from an existing character. The color theme was perhaps similar too, but I think that was accidental. Otherwise, I was an original character.
Years later, I chose a detailed appearance for my human form based on a character we like (my original form was a non-humanoid dragon). Yes, you are free to take inspiration from fiction even long after the beginning.
The result will always be a synthesis
Whether you start with an original character or a fictional one, their personality will be shaped by two things:
- Your own personality – A character doesn’t exist in isolation from you. They will inevitably be influenced by your values, emotional patterns, knowledge, biases, and kinks – whether you want them to be or not. They won’t be a carbon copy of you, but they won’t be completely independent either.
- Your image of the character – This isn’t about the “canon” character, but rather your subjective interpretation of them. It is filtered by your understanding, your preferences, what stands out to you, and even what you miss. Your image of a character from a show will differ from someone else’s. The tulpa develops from your image, not from the source material.
A tulpa based on a fictional character will inevitably diverge from the original. If you expect them to remain strictly faithful to the source material, you’ll be frustrated (and so will they).
It’s okay to sever the connection with the original character if you (the tulpa) no longer identify with them. It’s also okay to stay connected to them if it feels right.
Personally, I’m still attached to my original character and mostly her original appearance. If you replaced her in the original setting with me – including all our knowledge, biases, values, and the history of my interactions with my family here – I’d act very differently, but I feel the essence of that character is still there.
However, we also have tulpas who have completely severed connections with their original characters. And that’s okay, too. It’s just like when an original character you planned in detail eventually strays from that plan. You should never view this as a failure of planning, but rather as the emergence of a new quality.
The choice isn’t final
- Don’t overthink the choice – No matter where you start, the character will develop through your interactions. A rough idea is enough; details will emerge over time.
- Don’t feel locked in – Allow your tulpa to develop in directions you didn’t expect. They become who they are through practice and interaction, not by following a pre-drawn blueprint.
- If using a fictional character, don’t expect a copy – As mentioned earlier, the result will be a synthesis of your image of that character and your own personality.
- It’s okay to revisit things later with a developed tulpa – As Luna mentioned, it’s perfectly fine for a tulpa to attach themselves to a new fictional character later on.
- You can just start and figure out the details later – If you can’t decide, a name and a vague sense of personality are enough. The rest can develop through interaction.
However you start, the truly important part is what happens next: the interaction itself. We’ll discuss that now.
How to interact?
In general, you interact with your tulpa through your imagination. You talk to them, imagine their responses, and place them in various situations – then observe how they react. This interaction happens in your mind – through words, images, feelings, imagined body language, or whatever arises.
There is no single “correct” technique. What matters is that you’re spending quality time with the character and paying genuine attention to their development.
Narration
Imagine the character in various situations:
- Talking to someone
- Facing a problem
- Reacting to an unexpected event
You don’t necessarily have to interact with them directly during narration. By observing them, you allow their personality to emerge through how they act in these imagined scenarios. This is especially useful when direct conversation feels awkward or forced. It provides the character with material to develop from:
- How they respond to events
- What they care about
- What triggers their joy or anger
If your tulpa sees a cute animal, what will they do:
- Immediately assault it with unsolicited headpats?
- Ask it for consent first?
- Ignore it?
- Do something else?
Conversation
Talk to them. Tell them about your day. Ask them questions and imagine their answers. Share something you’re struggling with and imagine what they’d say.
At first, you’ll be putting effort into both sides of the conversation. That’s fine. Over time, you’ll notice their side coming more naturally – though it won’t come from thin air; you will have built the foundation through your own efforts.
Tulpa’s form and non-verbal expression
Form is how tulpamancers refer to a tulpa’s imaginary body. One aspect is their appearance – how we imagine they look. We can design them in detail, take inspiration from a fictional character (with optional modifications), or just establish a few basic traits (such as eye or hair color) and let the rest of their look emerge later.
The other aspect is what the character can do with that imagined body – gestures, expressions, and so on.
You might imagine them, for example:
- Shrugging, rolling their eyes, or smiling
- Giving you a headpat (or receiving one from you)
- Punching someone you don’t like
You can imagine them acting in a fictional setting, appearing through imposition in the surrounding space, or nowhere in particular.
Externalized interactions
If you find it hard to maintain focus on a fully internalized conversation, you can help yourself by externalizing it. For example, you can write the dialogue down on paper.
Small interactions
You can talk to your tulpa while walking, cooking dinner, riding the bus, or working. You don’t need to focus on them exclusively to spend quality time together. Small interactions complement more dedicated sessions in building a meaningful relationship.
Fantasizing
Rather than small, isolated scenarios, you can create more complex fictional settings for your interactions. Some people imagine a specific space – which tulpamancers often call a wonderland. Others don’t use a setting at all. Both approaches work; what matters is what the setting does for the relationship, not how elaborate it is.
A setting can help by giving your imagination something concrete to work with. Having your tulpa sit across from you at a kitchen table can make conversation feel more natural than talking into the void. A familiar landscape can trigger scenarios that wouldn’t occur to you otherwise. The setting is scaffolding for immersion – it makes sustained attention and genuine engagement easier.
But the same scaffolding can become a distraction. Designing elaborate environments can be satisfying in its own right, but time and mental energy are finite – and they don’t directly accumulate into the relationship. If worldbuilding starts to feel like work you’re doing instead of interacting, it has become a detour – unless the relationship with wonderland itself, rather than a tulpa, is your goal.
One of such imaginary settings of ours is a country called the Democratic People’s Republic of Headpatia.
I’ve been a local representative of the Workers’ Party of Headpatia in my region for many years, and I always receive more than 100% of votes from people there.
Kanade’s example is quite quirky. And that’s the point – fantasizing in your head is deeply personal and will probably seem weird to other people. Your setting doesn’t need to make sense to anyone but you. It just needs to facilitate your interactions.
Cuddling
Physical closeness is one of the simplest and most effective ways to deepen your bond.
The easiest way to feel a character’s physical presence is to associate them with something tangible, for example:
- Hugging a pillow while thinking about hugging your tulpa
- Imagining them sitting next to you
- Giving them a headpat by touching your forehead
These are simpler forms of imposition – associating a tulpa’s presence with sensory experience.
Some tulpamancers think of imposition primarily in the context of visual imposition – the ability to override your perception of the external world with an image of your tulpa. This is an ability that can require significant time and effort to achieve.
In our opinion, focusing solely on this can be a mistake; simpler forms of imposition are available without preparation and are just as useful.
Content of interaction
Tulpa’s personality
To shape your tulpa’s personality, interact with them while keeping your goals in mind. For example:
- If you want them to be kind, imagine them acting with kindness.
- If you want them to be smart, place them in situations where they can demonstrate it. By doing this, you’re giving the character material to develop from. However, you aren’t programming a machine; you’re interacting with a character whose personality develops through accumulated engagement, not just your instructions.
You’ll notice traits emerging that you didn’t deliberately intend. A sarcastic edge to their humor? A particular way they respond to certain topics? An unexpected fondness for something? These discoveries are part of the process – when it feels right, lean into it. If something doesn’t fit, you can let it go.
Your actual life
Talk to your tulpa about things that matter to you. Share your day with them – not as a report, but as a conversation. Tell them about the thing that frustrated you at work, a song you can’t stop listening to, or a weird interaction you had on the bus.
You can also share experiences as they happen: watching something together and imagining their commentary, asking for their take on a decision, or reacting to something surprising in the moment.
When something catches your attention, make it a topic. This provides the character with more material and makes you more immersed in the interaction.
Emotional engagement
Genuine engagement isn’t just about what you talk about – it’s about letting yourself feel things during the interaction.
Be frustrated together. Be moved by something. Be silly. When you share something vulnerable and imagine their response, let it affect you. When they surprise you with kindness or humor, allow yourself to feel that, too. The relationship deepens not just through accumulated time, but through accumulated emotional moments.
Nothing
When you don’t have anything particular to tell them but still want to give them attention, that’s perfectly fine. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to talk about today”. It’s okay to just give them a hug or a headpat. It’s okay to simply say, “I love you”. And if a conversation emerges from nothing anyway, just go with the flow.
Genuineness
The word “genuine” has been mentioned several times now. But what does it actually mean to be genuine?
Interact with the relationship in mind
As mentioned in the introduction, there are many reasons to practice tulpamancy, such as:
- satisfying curiosity,
- coping with loneliness,
- creative expression
All of these are fine starting points. However, for the practice to truly flourish, the relationship must eventually become a goal in itself.
Spending time with your tulpa because you’re lonely and want company is instrumental engagement – you’re using the interaction to fill a gap. Spending time with them because you genuinely enjoy their company, because the conversation matters to you, or because you’d miss them if you stopped – that’s when the relationship becomes genuine. This transition is gradual, and most people don’t notice it happening until they’re already there.
Genuineness isn’t a permanent state once achieved. You can be genuinely engaged for months and then slip into treating the relationship as a mere habit or obligation. Noticing this and choosing to return to genuine engagement is part of maintaining the relationship.
Effort and time
How much time is required?
There is no specific number of “time units” required; there only needs to be enough time to sustain the relationship and allow it room to grow.
For some, this might be a few minutes a day. For others, it may involve longer sessions several times a week. Consistency is what matters – it doesn’t have to be perfect, but it needs to provide enough engagement so that these interactions can accumulate into a lasting bond.
What if I miss time?
The relationship won’t collapse just because you missed a few days or even a few weeks. When you’re ready to return, simply return.
Don’t overthink it, don’t apologize profusely, and don’t treat it as a crisis. Don’t try to make up for lost time with one massive marathon session; just resume engaging.
The tulpa wasn’t suffering or feeling abandoned while you were gone. They don’t experience things separately from you.
Unless you really want to believe they do – in which case, they will simply act to reconcile with your expectations.
Effortful engagement is valid
At the start, you’ll be putting conscious effort into the tulpa’s side of the interaction – deliberately constructing their responses, choosing what they would say, and deciding how they’d react.
Some tulpamancers with a more traditional mindset call this “parroting” or “puppeting” and believe it should be avoided. In reality, effortful interaction is the very foundation of the process.
In general, learned abilities begin with deliberate, effortful practice. While most of us can ride a bike without thinking about it, we certainly didn’t start that way. We had to put in effort first to build the pattern; over time, it became automatic.
Even after you can interact with your tulpa effortlessly, the “effortful” mode doesn’t disappear. You can still deliberately construct responses when you want to for specific purposes. Both forms of engagement are available to you. Neither is more “real” or more genuine than the other. Their synthesis is the key to understanding “switching” – taking your tulpa’s perspective outside of internal dialogue – without having to learn it the hard way. We’ll discuss that in the next chapter.
As we mentioned previously, the effortless expression of characters isn’t something we invented. There are other pathways to obtaining this ability:
- People who had imaginary friends in childhood.
- Writers who “bargain” with their original characters (OCs).
- Roleplayers who can effortlessly impersonate their characters.
- People who already have a tulpa and want to have another.
Some of these groups are likely to experience immediate, effortless responses from a new character. When they do, it’s easy for them to claim that “parroting” should be avoided.
Because this ability isn’t necessarily character-specific, there is one more consequence worth mentioning: you might find that characters you never intended to choose as tulpas start talking back to you. It may be tempting to try and turn all such characters into tulpas, but if you do, you’ll likely end up forcing yourself to maintain too many of them. The relationship is what makes a tulpa, not the mere ability to “hear” them. Don’t feel compelled to build a relationship with every character that ever speaks to you, just as you don’t need to build a relationship with every person you meet in the external world.
Unless you keep interacting with such characters, they’ll wither away quickly.
Summary
The essence of tulpamancy is building a genuine relationship through sustained interaction with a character.
The most important things to remember:
- Interact regularly, in a way that works for you.
- Pay genuine attention and interact with the relationship in mind.
- Effortful engagement is normal and valid; it’s not a sign of failure or “contamination”.
You don’t need to worry about:
- Whether you’re doing it “right”.
- Whether you’re spending enough time with them.
In the next chapter, we’ll discuss how effortlessness emerges from the effort you’ve put in.